The Day I Decided to Give EMDR Therapy a Try

“I can’t live like this anymore. How can I change? Fast?”

An exasperated sigh escapes me. My bad decisions are compounding.

“Your boundaries are eroded.” John’s frankness comes from decades of knowing me. “You need to reestablish them.”

“Boundaries?” I ask, self-deprecating. “How can I re-establish them when I don’t have them?” He chuckles.

“Do you have a good therapist?”

“I gave up on therapy years ago,” I respond with a lighthearted admonition.

“I want you to check out EMDR therapy. Are you near your computer?”

“I’m self-employed, so I’m always near my computer. What’s EMDR stand for?” I’m already Googling.

“EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.”

“Basically, you take traumatic events and you reprocess them. You desensitize those things that really drag you down by creating new neuropathways in your brain. Look it up.” He’s enthusiastic, and I trust him.

“Wow! This is crazy!”

“What’d you find?”

“There are quite a few EMDR therapists for such a small town in Montana. How come I’ve never heard of this kind of treatment before?”

“It’s helped thousands of people with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), like soldiers and victims of all kinds of traumatic events. Tons of people are being helped by EMDR—and it’s quick.”

“Let’s see, who do I want to help me transform my life… there’s Joe…”

“Given your history, I think you should look for a woman therapist.”

I concur. As I scroll through photos, I land on Florence. Her gentle smile grabs my attention. Mindful quotes cycle through her website, and I immediately know this is the woman I want to help me.

“Okay, I found a woman. Her name is Florence. I like that name.”

“You should give her a call. Make sure you feel like you can trust her. Because, well… I think you have trust issues.” Another chuckle.

I raise my eyebrows and smirk. “Ya think?” We both laugh. It’s comforting to have a friend you can be totally yourself with – flaws and all. Furthermore, it’s wonderful to have someone you respect and can truly talk things through with – someone you trust.

A Candid Conversation: Why It’s Not Your Fault

“Sounds like you’ve had EMDR. Have you?” My inquisitive eyebrows lift with curiosity.

“Yes. But I don’t have time to get into that now. Here’s the deal: Past events can keep us stuck. Your childhood abuse is holding you back. I’ve known you for years and I’ve seen you repeat some patterns. Old habits die hard.”

He’s right. I appreciate his candor; I receive it with honor and respect. I want to change. I must change.

“You need a professional who’s going to challenge you. Someone who’ll be like, ‘Alright girl, get in here and buckle up because we’re going for a ride.'” Even hundreds of miles apart, I can feel him wanting to laugh.

“I’d rather jump off a cliff than keep making these mistakes. I’m too easily manipulated. I’m trying so hard to be the person I know I am, but I keep getting in my own way.”

“Here’s the thing I want you to realize. Write this down…”

“Hold on,” I reach around my desk for paper and a skinny Sharpie.

“You can be really good at your career, good at helping others, really good at all those external things. But all these things you’re great at are also things that take you away from who you really are. So these external things that make you great – they’re also your hamstring.” He tells it like it is.

I’m writing as fast as I can, listening, and processing.

He continues, “You’re putting your emphasis on all the things around you, instead of on you. And listen, you can’t truly help anyone else until you help yourself.”

“But I’m constantly helping others. It’s what I do.”

“I know. And there’s a reason for that. Helping others is how you define yourself. You want everybody to like you.” Another slight chuckle. “Takes one to know one, right?”

“Damnit. Why do I feel like I’m twelve?” It’s a rhetorical question, of course, but he answers it.

“Because when someone experiences trauma, they can get stuck in that place where they were most traumatized. EMDR will help you move through that. I can tell you what I know, and I know that with the right EMDR therapist, you’ll be able to change. You’ve got this.”

My pause is so long it becomes deafening.

“Listen, Connie. You’re dealing with layers of childhood abuse. These layers calcify. And you can’t be free when you’re wearing a straitjacket. The only way to cut through them is to change your brain. Make the appointment and text me when you have a date and time so I can follow up.” He wraps things up; he’s got to get to work.

My First Step Towards Change

I hang up with John and immediately call Florence. I get her answering machine and leave a message. My head lowers to my chest. “I need help. Please return my call.” I leave my digits and hang up feeling a mix of hope and skepticism. I turn and drop into my favorite cozy chair, thinking to myself, “If this doesn’t work, I’m all out of options.”

I’ve been through more counselors than I want to count. In fact, I’ve been checked into a behavioral psych ward with almost zero recollection, and I was treated at the Institute for Psychoanalysis for a decade. Yet, the results have never been sustainable. I needed something life-altering.

The weird part is that professionally, I’m a rock star. I work hard, I get results, I’m great with people. But when it comes to attracting the right people and intimate relationships… I’m a disaster.

I continue reading about EMDR therapy. For some, when events cause stress, they leave fragments stored in the brain and body. Let’s say a kid gets hit in the head with a fast-flying baseball. That adult might flinch when anything comes flying toward them. Why? Because the pain is stored in their brain—and their body. EMDR changes the brain and how memory is stored. With EMDR, the experience is still remembered, but the need to fight or flight, or to flinch, is completely gone. This powerfully explains why it helps so many soldiers.

I’ve seen Florence several times since that phone call with John. We’ve already reprocessed several memories with positive, lasting results. People have commented. My business has grown. My relationships are becoming more intimate. The improvements provide tremendous relief. Ultimately, I know this is a journey of awareness and transformation that’s going to last a lifetime.